fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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