so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
