I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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