god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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