I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
