Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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