It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
