sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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