what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just cropdusted the office
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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