According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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