Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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