That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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