I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Text me some of your sweat
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