my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
