Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
