Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
