dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
