suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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