if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
