I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
