you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
