i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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