I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She made me pour olive oil on her.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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