dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
