despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
