Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
