I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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