My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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