so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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