There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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