I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
