dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
