I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
