I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
