idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
