Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
