so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
