Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
