We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
