just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
