My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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