Ambien. No doubt about it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
