She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
