I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
