and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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