Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
