the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
