You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
