She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
