i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
