Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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